Undecided Simpson Republicans Use Dark Arts to Summon Spirit of Reagan for Caucuses

Reagan Pic

SIMPSON — Even with the Iowa caucuses just around the corner, many members of the Simpson College Republicans and Democrats are still undecided.  With too many candidates to count on two hands, the clubs have undertaken desperate measures to find someone to support.

Last Thursday night, in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s campus visit, the Simpson Republicans convened in Smith Chapel where, using mystical GOP methods, they succeeded in summoning the spirit of former President (Saint) Ronald Reagan.

“It was really him!” said Stacey Post, chair of the Simpson Republicans.  “When he appeared, it was like his conservative aura flooded our souls and gave us wisdom and peace… through strength.”

Upon St. Reagan’s appearance, Post hurriedly explained the GOP’s presidential candidate dilemma. St. Reagan is reported to have nodded solemnly and disappeared.

After he vanished, all the Republicans present for the summoning all claimed to have heard Reagan’s voice inside their heads, whispering the names of different candidates to different people.  Post swore she heard Huckabee, while Nick Laning said he clearly heard Trump.

Laning was so disappointed with his answer that he declined for comment and instead punched a hole in the nearest wall.  Post looked on blankly.

On the other side of the aisle, the Simpson College Democrats took a more straightforward approach to figure out who to caucus for.

While Hillary was on campus, the Dems snooped around her travel entourage and eventually found her husband, Bill, asleep in one of the vehicles.  Acting swiftly, Olivia Anderson, president of the Simpson College Democrats, invited Bill to Mojo’s for a drink.

Bill, of course, accepted immediately.

“Now listen,” Mr. Clinton told the group, his depleted glass in hand.  “Although I love my wife, I gotta be honest with y’all.”  With that, Bill Clinton unbuttoned his shirt, revealing a t-shirt emblazoned with multiple images of Bernie Sanders’ face and a gleaming “Feel the Bern” button.

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