Simpson Professor Sacrifices Himself to Save Cable

Cable Story

Simpson – Cable will continue at Simpson College because of one professor’s sacrifice of his job and almost his life.

With the midnight deadline fast approaching for the cancellation of cable in Simpson’s residence halls, students were either renewing their Netflix, HBO Go, and Hulu accounts or preparing to riot.

In these turbulent, soon-to-be cable free times, Simpson needed a hero and for once it couldn’t be the squirrels.

Enter Professor Marty Feeney, associate professor of communication and media studies, who was dismayed at the thought of college students being unable to watch the ‘tube.

“I knew I had to do something crazy… or brave… or both!” exclaimed Feeney as he shook the hands of grateful students outside of the Kent Center. “I was willing to sacrifice my own life so students could watch the Super Bowl and re-runs of ‘The Big Bang Theory.'”

And he was willing to sacrifice his own life. This morning, Feeney broke into a closed presidential cabinet meeting yelling his intentions and wearing homemade sacrificial robes while brandishing the Carver Dagger of Sacrifice.

“I had to use my years of boar-wrasslin’ experience to get Feeney off the table,” said an apparently still exhausted President Jay Simmons. “That man is former military and it didn’t help that he’s a wily old thing when it comes to fightin’ dirty.”

Following the “right-old tussle,” Simmons accepted Feeney’s resignation and soon after announced to campus that cable would continue because of the money saved by removing a beloved, experienced member of the faculty.

At last update, President Simmons was entering his fourth hour on hold with Mediacom as he worked to renew Simpson’s cable.

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