Simpson CAB Uses Scanners at BINGO to Steal Boards, Flex

CAB Theft Photo

Simpson – Investigators have recently discovered that the scanners used at last night’s BINGO event were instead used to steal boards and flex from attending students.

The scanners, utilized by CAB for the first time last night, were linked to the boards/flex theft this morning as students, who attended BINGO were unable to use their IDs at Pfeiffer or Kent. Campus investigators have dubbed the event, “Scam-Scanner-Gate.”

“I had no idea this was happening,” said a distraught Ashtyne Madsen, CAB Vice-President, who was unaware of the scam, as she was led away for questioning. “We had $3,000 in prizes for students but we stole $10,000 in boards and flex from them instead.”

Investigators have made the determination that “Scam-Scanner-Gate” goes all the way to the top and have implicated CAB President Kelsey Schott and Treasurer Nick Laning as co-conspirators.

“We just wanted mozzarella sticks for every meal,” said Schott as she unsuccessfully attempted for the third time in less than two hours to escape. “Have you seen how [expletive] expensive those things are at Tyler’s?!”

Laning could not be reached for comment as he had been knocked out in an earlier scuffle with authorities and had not yet regained consciousness.

“Truly this was a despicable act and a stain upon the honor of CAB,” stated Tyler Stokesbary, a former CAB President and now retired rabble-rouser. “And I wish I’d been the one to think of it.”

By Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: News

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