Expect Delays, Hillary’s Secret Service & ABP Compete to See Who Can Have the Slowest Line

ABP vs. SS

Simpson – Expect delays at today’s Hillary for America event in the Kent Campus Center. Acorn staff just received word that Secret Service members and ABP staff are engaged in a bitter competition to see who can have the slowest moving line.

“The Secret Service started it!” yelled one un-named ABP staff member. “[The Secret Service] were acting like it was normal for them to have a slow line. That’s our trademark.”

ABP staff felt slighted and decided to redouble their efforts at slow service to combat the Secret Service.  Upon noticing this, the Secret Service decided to confiscate and inspect each individual sandwich that made it out of the line for “security reasons.”

“I’m not saying that we’re just eating the sandwiches, but I am saying they’re not half bad,” one Secret Service member attempted to utter through a mouthful of a #54 on a sesame bagel. “We’re known for inconveniencing everyone around us. We can’t let some campus dining spot be better at that than us.”


The delay for the event will increase as we just received word that Secretary Clinton has now been caught in the ABP line.

By Molly Monk

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Categories: News


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