Simmons Banks on Winning Powerball to Solve Simpson’s Financial Woes


SIMPSON – In a last bid attempt to reverse the current downward trend of Simpson’s financial situation, President Jay Simmons used the remainder of the college’s endowment fund on the purchase of Powerball tickets.

Simpson’s endowment fund had recently peaked at $86 million dollars in FY 2015 and the decision to spend it all on Powerball tickets was reached rather quickly by Simmons.

“I just couldn’t pass up such an opportunity for y’all and this college,” drawled Simmons as he feverishly gazed upon a truly momentous pile of 43 million lotto tickets. “I was getting tired of all the cuttin’ [of positions]. I figured it was time to cut our losses and take a chance at winnin’ 1.5 billion dollars.”

Members of the Simpson community were stunned by Simmons’s announcement which came late Tuesday night following his weekly poker night with the Cabinet.

“I could have sworn the president was kidding,” said shell-shocked Professor Pat Calkins of the German department as she slowly packed up her office’s belongings. “But Simmons has always had an unreadable poker face. It’s that mustache of his.”

Members of the president’s Cabinet were unsure as to what they would spend the money on first. A member of the Cabinet who wished to remain anonymous said the Cabinet was torn between spending the majority of the money paving every last bit of green space on campus or erecting an even uglier statue than the one on the Pedestrian Plaza.

Following these necessary purchases, any leftover funds will be used to fix the financial status of the college and possibly enact free tuition for all students at Simpson (but don’t get your hopes up).

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