Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College

Script:

So you’re probably wondering,
What’s Simpson been up to this year?
Well, not a whole lot.
We just announced you can get a degree by showing proficiency in Trivia Crack
and offered a new language class in squirrel speech… unprecedented

We sent Molly Monk to North Korea to establish diplomatic ties with Kim Jong-un…
it worked really well (Kim Jong-un wins SGA Prez & VP running).

Zoe Carlson reached fourth floor Wallace

Central made their new mascot the “Rectal Foam Fingers“…
While Simpson voted in “Stormy the Squirrel” #Represent

Speaking of squirrels, Trump’s toupee turned out to be one,
But the Shooting sports club took care of it
And donated pelts to Simpson’s new May Term taxidermy class… no big deal

The butt tree got it’s crack back,
Simpson’s EMERGE program is beta testing “Snap-Yak“,
Yoda visited campus,
The library now has a life guard,
The Keystone Pipeline runs through the middle of campus,
Holy Grounds coffee turned into bar,
Mrs. Lukefire cleaned up the Clinton Apartments,
Patrick O’Malley lost his green squirrel,
Hump Day Donuts offered free camel rides,
KOW set the Guinness world record for a phallic sculpture,
President Simmons announced he’s running for President,
Although he didn’t join hopeful candidates at Simpson’s Pie Eating Contest,
And the Bookstore announced it’s “Limbs for Literature” program.

But, realistically, not all things at Simpson are good:
Controversy surrounded Simpson’s Curling Team,
President Simmon’s Netflix got hacked,
There was a turf war between scooters and longboarders,
Professor Proctor died in the Running of the Bulls,
And budget cuts shortened the men’s cross country shorts (shudder).

But overall, we think it was a good year… (Especially since The Acorn turned one!)
So, see ya next year!

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