Archive | January, 2016

Endorsement: Simmons Promotes Traditional Simpson Values & Facial Hair

With a lack of viable candidates on either side of the aisle, one presidential candidate in particular has risen above the fray to become a unifying figure in a time of partisan polarization. Jay Simmons, President of Simpson College, who announced his candidacy several months ago to little fanfare, is the right man for the job and […]

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Undecided Simpson Republicans Use Dark Arts to Summon Spirit of Reagan for Caucuses

SIMPSON — Even with the Iowa caucuses just around the corner, many members of the Simpson College Republicans and Democrats are still undecided.  With too many candidates to count on two hands, the clubs have undertaken desperate measures to find someone to support. Last Thursday night, in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s campus visit, the […]

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Simpson Professor Sacrifices Himself to Save Cable

Simpson – Cable will continue at Simpson College because of one professor’s sacrifice of his job and almost his life. With the midnight deadline fast approaching for the cancellation of cable in Simpson’s residence halls, students were either renewing their Netflix, HBO Go, and Hulu accounts or preparing to riot. In these turbulent, soon-to-be cable free […]

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Simpson CAB Uses Scanners at BINGO to Steal Boards, Flex

Simpson – Investigators have recently discovered that the scanners used at last night’s BINGO event were instead used to steal boards and flex from attending students. The scanners, utilized by CAB for the first time last night, were linked to the boards/flex theft this morning as students, who attended BINGO were unable to use their IDs at […]

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Sexual Assault is No Laughing Matter, Make a Statement and Join SARA

(Straight Talk – No Satire) When it comes to satirizing the news at “the Acorn” it often seems that nothing is sacred or beyond our comedic reach. However, there is one topic that we have never found to be a laughing matter: sexual assault. Sexual assault impacts 1-out-of-5 women and 1-out-of-16 men on college campuses […]

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