Kim Jong Un Elected to Both SGA President & Vice-President

Kim J

SIMPSON – In a surprise upset in the SGA elections, Kim John Un was elected via write-in campaign to both president and vice-president beating out Robert Lyons and Erica Heidler.

Vote totals from the election could not be found as it appears North Korean hackers have taken down the entirety of the SurveryMonkey website. And no one with the SGA could be reached for comment as the majority of the student governing body has been relocated to re-education camps located at Central College in cheerless Pella.

Additionally, neither President Simmons nor any member of the Board of Trustees could be reached for comment. In unrelated news, a large statue of the Fearless Leader has been erected over a suspiciously freshly disturbed plot of land near Smith Chapel.

Kim J’s campaign manager, Tyler Stokesbary delivered the following bio and platform along with heavily veiled threats against the Acorn should it choose not to capitulate to the Supreme Leader’s will.

SGA Student Body President Simpson’s Supreme Leader: Kim Jong Un

Party Now YOUR Party: Communist Party

Hometown: Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

Bio: I come from very humble beginnings. My father held political office for some time, as did my grandfather. I’m a really fun and hip guy that isn’t afraid to push your buttons, or just buttons in general. I like taking long walks through minefields and unexploded ordinances from previous struggles. I am not a big fan of the United States, but I’m a personal fan of Dennis Rodman and Justin Bieber. If you want to get in touch, my email is beloveddictator2011@gmail.com.

Goals/Initiatives: Currently I feel as though campus morale and spirit is at an all-time low. As Simpson’s Supreme Leader, I will enact a series of celebrations and holidays to commemorate my election as the Supreme Leader.

I will also introduce the Communist Party Only Act which will require the Simpson College Democrats and Simpson College Republicans to disband and join the Simpson College Communist Party of the People for the People.

I will then remove yellow from our school colors and require it to be blood red to represent the sacrifice of Simpson College’s youths. Those that do not comply with these new rules and regulations will be reeducated in the basement of Hopper Gymnasium.

Long live the Communist Party. Long Live Kim Il Sung the Eternal President.

 

 

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] We sent Molly Monk to North Korea to establish diplomatic ties with Kim Jong-un… it worked really well (Kim Jong-un wins SGA Prez & VP running). […]

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