Millie’s & Holy Grounds Do Away With Cups to Avoid Starbucks #RedCup Scandal

NoCups

Red Cups? More like the Red Scare!

The one thing not on the menu at Simpson’s two campus coffee shops is controversy. In response to the #RedCup controversy, both Millie’s and Holy Grounds will no longer be serving coffee in any sort of cup at all. Instead, students will receive their daily dose of caffeine by having coffee poured directly down their throats.

Holy Grounds manager, senior Jacob McLame (Jacob McLain was unavailable for comment), explained the reasoning behind the new policy.

“Until the red cup controversy hit Starbucks, we were totally unaware that we could be sending messages about our religious or political beliefs through the color of our coffee cups. We’re an inclusive coffee shop – we don’t want to offend anyone!” said McLame as he poured scorching coffee directly down a freshman student’s throat. “So, we decided to make sure that we’re sending no messages at all by eliminating cups from our coffee shop entirely.”

Simpson students are largely in favor of the new change. One vaguely hungover looking student supported the change because she said it “eliminated the middleman in between her and her caffeine.”

The policy change comes with more benefits than just avoiding controversy. Senior Dani Musselman is particularly excited because of its environmental implications.

“We’re avoiding controversy AND being environmentally friendly! What could be better?!” said Musselman as she danced a caffeine fueled jig. “Coffee cups are disposable products, and it was about time that Simpson coffee shops disposed of this unsustainable practice.”

While Starbucks faces a horde of angry Christians for its choices regarding color schemes, Simpson College found a way to avoid all controversy. Students interested in helping this environmentally friendly cause can sign up for volunteer shifts outside of Millie’s and Holy Grounds.

Students interested in seeking medical attention for their throats are encouraged to visit the campus nurse whenever the powers-that-be allow her to be on campus. Otherwise, they’re on their own.

By Molly Monk

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: News

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