Campus Nurse Quells Panic of WebMD Diagnoses, Brings Health and Sanity to Campus.

CampusNurse (1)

Thanks to the reassurance that the campus nurse will, in fact, remain a permanent feature of Simpson’s campus (for the near future), Simpson College was able to narrowly avoid a serious and sudden outbreak of diseases such as Ebola and Smallpox.

Misinformed students, prior to the clarification, were heartbroken by the news that we may lose our campus nurse. Reportedly, many students suffered bouts of extreme confusion, trying to decipher how Simpson could afford a large metal tree in the middle of campus, but not a nurse to ensure the health of our students.

“I actually consulted with that ugly rusty tree for health advice and a diagnosis,” said Olivia Newton, a freshman. “I assumed if the school’s budget couldn’t support a nurse then that ‘tree’ must be her replacement.”

Other students attempted to self-diagnose themselves with the aid of the always trustworthy WebMD. One aspiring entrepreneur went so far as to open up his own WebMD clinic out of his wifi-equipped apartment.

“Without a nurse, I knew students would be turning to the internet to diagnose themselves,” said Dr. Phil Ozymandias (honorary PhD) a junior biology major. “With the potential loss of the nurse and the guaranteed loss of Wi-Fi during registration week, an on campus WebMD consultant with his own Wi-Fi seemed like a no-brainer.”

With students relying solely upon WebMD, reports began to emerge from the freshmen dorms of an apparent Ebola outbreak while juniors and seniors were convinced the strange welts on their arms had to be smallpox. Preparing for the loss of the beloved campus nurse, Katie, Simpson had descended into epidemic mode.

Responding in an uncharacteristically quick fashion, the budget committee of Simpson College had Heidi Levine, vice-president of student affairs, send out a campus wide email to assure students that the campus nurse would be retained.

“At this point we knew it was in our best interest to implement disease control measures and maintain the general well-being of the students,” explained a clearly exasperated member of the budget committee.

Following the announcement, Katie was dispatched to the freshmen dorms where she discovered they were suffering from coughs and fatigue (a result of being academically overworked) and not Ebola (silly freshmen). As for the juniors and seniors, Katie quickly reassured them that the marks on their arms were not evidence of small pox, but simply a result of the spider infestation many campus apartments seem to be experiencing.

With the knowledge that Katie will remain on campus, students can once again sleep soundly at night with the hum of mildew-covered air conditioners and creaky floorboards in their ears, knowing they are supported by administrators who genuinely care for their health and well-being.

By Susan Alt

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Categories: News

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