Falling Debris Threatens Students and Staff – Local Squirrels in Part to Blame

2015-10-15_12-55-30SIMPSON — As fall sets in, we at the Acorn want to give a friendly, yet serious reminder to all students and staff to BE CAREFUL WHEN WALKING OUTSIDE!  Within the last few days, we have been flooded with stories of people being harmed by falling debris — some coincidental, and some intentional.

On Sunday, for instance, a group of sophomores and first-years were taking a stroll through Buxton Park and were suddenly enveloped in a whirlwind of massive, multicolored leaves falling from some of the larger trees.

“They were at least fifteen by twenty feet.  And heavy, too,” said one traumatized victim. “It felt like being crushed under several petrified sheets of old leather.  We could barely budge underneath them all!”

Swift action from the campus security crew saved the students from inevitable suffocation.  Other, related cases of falling leaves were reported, and, thankfully, there have been no casualties.

All of us at the Acorn are also disheartened to report another threat to Simpson residents: violent activity from campus squirrels.  Countless victims have come to us, frantically recounting instances of squirrels pelting them with nuts, seeds and yes, even acorns.

So far, only one student has been hospitalized.  Many others have taken to carrying heavy-duty umbrellas with them.

Fortunately, we have been in contact with the Storm Squirrel about the matter, and he has agreed to immediately call the errant squirrels to assembly, and to strictly reprimand them regarding their behavior.

We have high hopes that the Storm Squirrel will be able to persuade his brethren to live peacefully with students and staff alike, and to quit misusing their supply of acorns.

In the meantime, we encourage all of our readers to stay safe, study hard for mid-terms and enjoy the beautiful weather.

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Categories: Features, News

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