University of Dubuque Drone Taken Down By Punt From President Simmons

2015-10-13_17-29-44SIMPSON – Wreckage from the drone seen over Buxton Stadium during Saturday’s Homecoming football game has been identified as being of University of Dubuque origin.
The wreckage, recovered by Todd Little, associate professor of computer science, was analyzed by Simpson’s best aspiring student hackers late into the night on Sunday.  Early efforts to identify the drone proved fruitless. “That’s when I reached out to Chris Draper. He’s got connections!” Little said.
Draper, Simpson’s EMERGE director, reached out to Stanford University (who was a victim of drone-gate in their opening game loss to Northwestern) and sure enough, he got a response.

“John Hennessy told me to check the rate gyro and sure enough, I found the culprit- a ‘Property of Dubuque’ sticker!” Draper said.
Upon hearing the news that Dubuque’s latest clandestine intelligence gathering operation had been foiled, students voiced their approval of President Jay Simmons’ quick action in bringing down the drone with a well-placed punt from the Sirianni Suite’s deck.
Simmons, a graduate of Muscle Shoals High School in Alabama, was a state-ranked punter for his hometown Trojans back in the day. An unfortunate incident in a pig ‘wrassling’ competition brought an early end to Simmons’ promising career which eventually led him to Simpson.
“I saw that old electronic buzzard (drone) up there above the field and knew something was fishy right away,” said Simmons as he threw knives at a target in his office with Dubuque’s logo emblazoned on it. “I may be up there in years but I’ve still got quite the donkey kick!”
Eyewitnesses to the now immortal punt said that Simmons’ took less than 30 seconds to act when he first spotted the drone. His punt not only hit the drone but continued on down the length of the football field and on to West Clinton Avenue where it was recovered by Stormy the Squirrel.
Simmons also confirmed that plans for retribution against the University of Dubuque were already under way.
“Draper figured out who the troublemakers behind that electronic buzzard (drone) were and you can bet your buckles that we’ll be comin’ for ‘em,” said Simmons as he threateningly carved a Maple spear while menacingly starting out his office window.
“Teresa Nickeson, Hythem Abdalla and Randy Anderson of Dubuque’s computer science department… you’re marked men and women… Simpson never forgets.”
By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: Features, News, Sports

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