Nicolas Cage Finds Simpson College Medallion!


SIMPSON – In a shocking turn of events, infamous actor Nicolas Cage brought an end to the Homecoming Medallion Hunt when he discovered the elusive medallion late Tuesday night.

CAB officials – who are charged annually with hiding the priceless medallion – were stunned to learn that Cage had discovered the medallion and that he had even been on campus.

“We had only given out two clues,” said a visibly baffled Tyler Stokesbary, president of CAB.  “But somehow Cage was able to find the medallion… that man is insane!”

Cage, bearing his trademark psycho/he’s-going-kill-me grimace/smile, explained to a large assemblage of students outside of Kent how he had discovered the medallion.

“I knew right away that the first clue – “3” – meant the three panels of that ugly monument in Pedestrian Plaza,” said Cage. “I’ve long suspected that monument to have been funded and erected by the secret society of the Free Methodists.”

Cage further explained that calculating the angles of the three panels and then dividing by the number of fake leaves in the ground, he was able to compute 5 lines of binary code: 01110011 01101101 01101001 01110100 01101000 which spell out SMITH.

“I knew right then that the medallion was in some way connected with Smith Chapel,” mumbled a vacant eyed Cage as he slowly stroked the medallion. “SSPB was obviously a reference to the Secret Society of Peanut Biochemists – an underground organization founded by George Washington Carver.”

This led Cage to Carver’s rock outside of Carver Science Hall near Smith Chapel. Cage waited until the hour hand was 18 inches past 12:00 before smashing a peanut on Carver’s plaque. Shockingly enough, another clue slipped out of a compartment behind the plaque… a taxidermy squirrel butt with the note “Middle of Campus.”

“I knew I had it at this point” Cage said. “But today’s clue just solidified where I thought it was.”

Contacting facilities, Cage had the BUTT TREE crack fixed before schedule. Inside the butt tree, swung a squirrel in a hammock with the medallion swinging around its neck.

“At that moment, I knew that this discovery could become my next movie,” said an obviously still oblivious to the death of his career Cage. “National Treasure 3: The Missing Medallion has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

By Lionel Robertson



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Categories: Features, News


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