The Great Turf War- Longboards vs. Scooters

12042165_1096126760412363_1645503349_nThe Great Turf War between scooters and long boards has begun. Blood has been shed and students fear for their lives as they wander across campus to their classes.

The Great Turf War has been going on for years but this year it has seemed to have reached an all-time fever pitch of violence.

“I heard tires squealing and a horrible scream so I turned around and I saw someone sprawled on the ground next to a battered scooter,” said Jordan Lowry, a junior at Simpson. “Everyone started running away and in the chaos I saw a longboarder roll slowly away laughing maniacally.”

Simpson College administration tried to make room for both scooter riders and longboarders by building the Pedestrian Plaza. However, instead of the Pedestrian Plaza being seen as a peace offering like it was meant to be, it has now become the central Danger Zone of the Great Turf War.

“We had such high hopes that we could bring peace back to the sidewalks,” said a visibly concerned President Simmons as he avoided all sidewalks on his way to Hillman. “Too many innocent pedestrians have been caught in the crossfire… no one wants to go to class but now it’s not even safe to!”

In response to the increase in violence, Simpson has taken extra measures this semester to ensure the safety of pedestrians on its sidewalks.

“We have hired a new tactical security force called ‘Save Our Sidewalks’ to assist pedestrians being run down by scooters and longboards,” continued Simmons as he safely barricaded himself in his office. “All pedestrians need to do is yell ‘SOS!’ and they’ll be there as fast as our golf carts can get them there.”

Pat Steffen, who was attacked earlier this week when we was riding his longboard to class, doesn’t think the violence will be ending any time soon.

“A scooter just came out of nowhere and side swiped me,” exclaimed Steffen as he sharpened the front of his longboard. “I will get my revenge. We longboarders are in it for the long haul.”

If you see any scooter and/or longboard violence please contact 1-800-ENDTHEVIOLENCE.

By Stevie Frank

@Stephfrancis13

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] surrounded Simpson’s Curling Team, President Simmon’s Netflix got hacked, There was a turf war between scooters and longboarders, Professor Proctor died in the Running of the Bulls, And budget cuts shortened the men’s cross […]

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