Simpson Butt Tree to Get Its Crack Back

2015-09-24_12-48-29SIMPSON – Campus officials were shocked to discover this week that the infamous Simpson College Butt Tree had lost its crack – now they’re working hard to get it back.
The lack of a crack was first noticed by President Simmons on Tuesday as he walked over to Pfeiffer Dining Hall for a mid-day snack. When Simmons passed by the Butt Tree (Simpson’s defining campus landmark), he was taken aback by the missing crack.
“I simply couldn’t believe my eyes,” expressed a visibly distraught Simmons. “Without its crack, the Simpson Butt Tree is simply a deformed tree with an odd protrusion and that’s just whack.”
Fearful of the flak that would result from a Butt Tree with no crack, Simmons immediately contacted Grounds Manager Jeff Wagner. Simmons knew that Wagner’s knack for fixing cracks was just what the situation needed.
Arriving on the scene only minutes after the phone call, Wagner took note of the Butt Tree’s lacking crack and immediately called for back-up. Other members of the grounds crew soon arrived but were stumped as to what to do.
“I knew we couldn’t just leave the Butt Tree without its crack,” said Wagner as he smacked the Butt Tree’s right cheek. “So I had the boys put a special order in for the Crack-a-Back 3000, the latest in chainsaw technology made specifically for Butt Trees.”
Students who noticed the Butt Tree’s missing crack took to Yik-Yak to smack down the sexualization of the Butt Tree.
“It’s a travesty is what it is,” said Jack Black, a prominent Simpson Yakker. “Trees were not meant to have butts that put Nicki Minaj to shame!”
While Wagner awaits the delivery of the Crack-a-Back, a plaque has been erected on the site to inform passers-by that the crack will come back.

Wagner plans to have the crack back in the Butt Tree by October 31, just in time for the Simpson vs. Central football game. He hopes to have Central’s new proctology themed mascot, the Fighting Foam Finger, take the plunge in checking out the Butt Tree’s health.

By Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News


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