Budget Cuts Force Men’s Cross Country Team into Shorter Shorts

Last week, the Simpson College Budget Committee released the comprehensive list of budget cuts for the 2015-2016 academic year. Major cuts were made to the athletic department with the biggest cut coming from the men’s cross country team where it was discovered that by reducing the length of everyone’s shorts by an inch, the school could save over $2,000 in fabric every year.

With the cuts came this statement from Athletic Director Brian Niemuth’s office:

“We advise the student body to not get caught up in the vast amount of upper thigh that will be shown by the cross country team from here on out. Before they did not leave much to the imagination and now I realize my imagination was not doing those legs justice. I would suggest to the student body that they remember to look our cross country runners in the eye when talking to them in these trying times.”

Following the announcement, sophomore cross country runner Kyle Hovey was spotted showing off some leg; stating, “We all have to make sacrifices. I’m just disappointed I didn’t know sooner so I could’ve worked on my tan lines.”

One unforeseen consequence from the change to shorter shorts has been an increase in heckling and catcalling while the cross country team is working out. A dramatic increase in people yelling “run Forest run” and “daaannggg… look at ‘dos legs!” has been noted.

Niemuth warns that if the budget gets much worse, the Budget Committee will only be able to afford black “censored” bars for the cross country team to wear.

By: Nick Yaeger

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News, Sports


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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] scooters and longboarders, Professor Proctor died in the Running of the Bulls, And budget cuts shortened the men’s cross country shorts […]


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