Simpson Security Plans Large-Scale Ticketing Operation

SIMPSON – Undercover sources within Simpson Security report that a massive ticketing operation is being scheduled for early Friday morning. All staff will be on hand for the operation and have been given new, stricter guidelines to enforce. A few of those guidelines can be found below:

1.    $75.00 fine for vehicles with tires within 3 inches of a yellow line.
2.    $150.00 fine for dirty vehicles
3.    $200.00 fine, vehicle towed and an F on your next test for parking in an illegal spot
4.    $50.00 fine for vehicles with license plates that contain any of the letters F, T or D
5.    $35.00 fine for any cars that contain visible car scents or fuzzy dice
6.    $20.00 fine at the discretion of officers who just “feel” like giving a ticket

The funds from this operation will be used to purchase Segway x2 SE Patrollers for use by Simpson Security. These Segways are the preferred vehicle and model for Military Police and Mall Cops.

Weighing in at close to 120 pounds, the Segway x2 can reach speeds of up to 12.5 mph and features all-terrain tires and colorful flashing lights. According to undercover sources in Simpson Security, the speed and all-terrain features of the Segway will make high-speed pursuits of drunk college students that much easier for security forces.

Simpson Security will still use their fleet of golf carts for mass student transportation but the Segways will give Security much more flexibility in their deployments and campus coverage.

Students are advised to flee campus within the next 24-hours in order to avoid excessive ticketing. For every ticket distributed, Simpson comes that much closer to having its own personal force of high-speed and moderately dangerous Paul Blarts.

You have been warned.

By: Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News


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