Archive | September, 2015

Super Critter Ep. 2

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Simpson Butt Tree to Get Its Crack Back

SIMPSON – Campus officials were shocked to discover this week that the infamous Simpson College Butt Tree had lost its crack – now they’re working hard to get it back. The lack of a crack was first noticed by President Simmons on Tuesday as he walked over to Pfeiffer Dining Hall for a mid-day snack. […]

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The President is Also the Pope?!

SIMPSON – In an interesting turn of events, the Simpson First-Year class elected Jordan Pope as their class president for the 2015-2016 academic year. While Pope is actually Roman Catholic, he is, quite obviously, not the actual Pope of the Catholic Church. However, this fact wasn’t so obvious to many students on campus. Throughout the […]

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President Simmons’ Netflix Password Leaked to 300 First-Years

SIMPSON – Panic has broken out among Simpson faculty as the security of President Simmons’ Netflix account was recently compromised. “I can confirm that as of late Saturday, the password for my Netflix account has been stolen and changed,” said a visibly distraught President Simmons. “How in the world did they guess AcornLuv6969?!” Meanwhile, because […]

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Budget Cuts Force Men’s Cross Country Team into Shorter Shorts

Last week, the Simpson College Budget Committee released the comprehensive list of budget cuts for the 2015-2016 academic year. Major cuts were made to the athletic department with the biggest cut coming from the men’s cross country team where it was discovered that by reducing the length of everyone’s shorts by an inch, the school […]

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