New Central College Mascot, “The Fighting Foam Fingers,” to Promote Rectal Health

proctologyPella – Central College has a new mascot just in time for the 2015-2016 academic and athletic year. The new mascot, the “Fighting Foam Fingers,” went through an accelerated approval process and is already being used for Central College functions.

Prior to this summer, Central College had no plans to change their longtime beloved mascot, the Dutch. However, this all changed when world-renowned proctologist Dr. Ann Us of the Boston University School of Medicine made a substantial donation to the college in memory of her late husband and Central alumnus Dr. Rick Tum.

“This donation really caught us with our pants down,” said Central College President Mark Putnam as he tightened the belt on his pair of slacks. “Thankfully, Dr. Ann Us is used to seeing people with dropped drawers.”

The enormously large donation, while very much welcomed by the college’s administration, came with an unusual string attached. To receive the ludicrous amount of money promised by Dr. Ann Us, the college would have to adopt a mascot that promoted prostate health while also celebrating the study of proctology.

“We were stumped,” said Putnam. “How in the world could we get our hands on that money, promote proctology at Central and keep our students from transferring to another college, especially Simpson.”

“In desperation, we opened the problem up to the rest of our staff,” explained Putnam, “and that’s when head football coach Jeff McMartin remembered a distinctly unpleasant visit to the local proctologist when he glanced at a foam finger.”

After breaking out in a cold sweat and becoming rather uncomfortable, McMartin explained that the foam finger was not only something that could be used for school spirit but is also “kinda… you know… representative of what a proctologist… you know… does ‘down there.’”

Following McMartin’s uncomfortable eureka moment, the process to implement the new mascot went as smoothly as a person’s tenth prostate exam. Students at Central were dismayed to learn about their new mascot but work-study students were aghast to learn that they would be the ones stuck wearing the freakish foam fingers.

“I have standards,” exclaimed Stew Ped, a visibly shaken and deeply regretful first-year student at Central. “I could have at least been a storm cloud at Simpson but now I’m a walking, talking, foam finger monstrosity.”

Simpson’s Public Relations department could not be reached for analysis as the door to their offices remained shut up until press time. Journalists with “the Acorn” reported hearing hysterical laughter from inside the room along with Sir Mix-a-Lot’s hit song, “Big Butts.”

By: Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] made their new mascot the “Rectal Foam Fingers“… While Simpson voted in “Stormy the Squirrel” […]

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