Megyn Kelly Wins GOP Debate – Accepts Republican Nomination for POTUS

Kelly_v_Trump Photo

Cleveland – Megyn Kelly has been declared the winner of Thursday night’s GOP debate by an overwhelming majority of political analysts and debate viewers. Following the debate, the Republican National Committee announced that Kelly would be their nominee for the presidency.

Kelly’s successful performance at the debate took many members of the Republican Party by surprise. Much of the surprise stemmed from the fact that Kelly was not actually running for president at all before the debate began. In fact, no reports of her even “exploring her options” existed prior to the debate.

“We idiotically thought she was only going to be a moderator for this debate,” said Herman Planters, a top analyst for the Pistachio Almond Conservative Think Tank. “But the efficiency with which she asked questions and handled the unruly candidates on stage showed just how amazing of a candidate she could be!”

Indeed, many analysts have pointed to her deft handling of candidate Donald Trump as the greatest evidence of her qualifications for the Republican nomination. Following the debate, Kelly cornered Trump in a back alley and went full Reagan-smash mode on the controversial candidate.

“When she ca… ca… cornered me I called her a disgusting f… f… fat pig-dog slob and told her yet again how mu… mu… much money I’m worth,” stammered a visibly shaken toupee-less Trump. “Na… na… not only did she fact-check me, but she also ta… ta… tore my toupee to shreds.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, elated at the news of Trump’s downfall, was happy to announce that all further debates would hereby be changed into scolding sessions where Kelly would be able to berate the former candidates.

Viewership for these sessions is expected to exceed that of the Super Bowl. To capitalize on this predicted turnout, the RNC plans on charging a $5 viewing fee per person. Corporations wishing to view future scolding sessions will be charged a lesser fee to help stimulate the economy.

Kelly is expected to begin and continue her campaign on Fox News. The very moderate and completely neutral Fox News channel will exclusively cover her campaign until the next great American Ebola Panic begins.

By: Lionel Robertson & Molly Monk

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News


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