2015 Commencement by the Numbers

2015-05-02_23-44-47Yesterday graduates of the Class of 2015 received their degrees from Simpson College during Commencement ceremonies at Cowles Fieldhouse. Acorn reporters were on the scene to cover the momentous occasion with their superior brand of journalism but instead spent the majority of their time counting things out of boredom during the commencement festivities. Their numerical findings can be found below.


Students Who Received Degrees – 299

Students Who Are Just Now Regretting their Choice of Major (Philosophy Majors) – 15

Students Who Are Glad to Finally Be Done – 102

Students Who Are Scared Beyond Belief about Entering the Real World – 150

Students Who Are Going to Delay Entering the Real World by Getting a Masters – 137

Students Who Were Playing Video Games or Texting Friends during Commencement – 42

Students Who Fell Asleep During Commencement – 30

Students Who Fell Asleep During Commencement Who Had Good Reasons – 1

Students Who Actually Knew the Words to “The Red and Gold” – 2*6/4-3

Students Who Actually Paid Attention to the Commencement Speaker – 4.5

Students Who Remembered the Commencement Speaker’s Name an Hour after Graduating – 0

Students with Cheeky/Sappy Facebook Updates/Photos – 260

Graduates Who Found Success @ Simpson – 299 (This number supplied by Simpson’s PR Dept.)


Names Screwed Up By Dean Griffith – 10

Professors Tweeting During Commencement – 1 (Gammon!)

Length of Diploma Handing-Out – 24:57.56 or 24.56.43 (This number is hotly contested by staffers Nick Yaeger and Robert Lyons)

Times the Word “Cancer” Was Said by the Commencement Speaker – 50+ (We honestly quit counting about three-fourths of the way into it.)

People Who Attended the Ceremony – 2,000ish (No one had the time to count all those people. We’re not rocket scientists! That would be Rachel Rice.)

Cousins (2nd, 3rd, etc.), Nephews, and Nieces Who Wondered Why the Heck They Were At this Thing – 278

People Who Held in Gas for the Entire Commencement – 174

People Who Let Loose (Gas-Wise) during the Commencement – 251

Band Members – 86

Band Members Who Enjoyed Playing the Graduation Music – (Negative) 86

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