So You’ve Decided to Drop Out and Become a Squirrel


Spring and the end of the semester are upon us and many students are now finding it more difficult to go to classes as they would rather be enjoying the beautiful spring weather. This disinclination to not go to class isn’t helped by the fact that the end of the semester is quickly approaching and many are feeling the pressure of final papers, projects and tests.

Because of this, many students have been thinking about just dropping it all and going to live among the squirrels of Simpson College.

If you, dear reader, have decided to just give it all up and live with our fluffy-tailed friends, I have decided to make a small list of things that you must do in order for the squirrels to accept you as one of their own.

Number One: You must rid yourself of all material things. Squirrels are like hippies. They live an organic lifestyle.

Number Two: You must live in a tree. I think since we are transferring into their world, it is okay for us to live in tree houses because we don’t really fit inside of trees.

Number Three: You must bury everything that has meaning to you, and then forget where you put it, occasionally resulting in new trees growing. You must do this because tree houses do not have any doors, let alone locks.

Number Four: You must acquire a tail. We all know a squirrel when we see that big, bushy tail. For some reason, we do not have tails of our own. This means that you’re going to have to get creative. You can use fabric and pillow stuffing, knitting, and pipe cleaners. Get crazy, but not too crazy, because of number five.

Number Five: You must live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. You’ve probably noticed that a student can only get so close to a squirrel. Whenever you get that feeling that someone is watching you, you must sit up straight with a wide-eyed look and search for the potential predator. Maybe they want to eat you; maybe they think they can pet you. You must be prepared for this.

Number Six: You must be prepared for a life of leisure and happiness. You now are free from all of your human responsibilities. But, you are now permanently camping. And squirrels can’t go on vacation to Disney World… or eat cake… or drink Starbucks.

Actually, now that I think about it, being a person isn’t so bad. But remember, if you do decide to join our squirrel brethren, be assured that I support you.

By: Makenzie Duvick

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: Features, News


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