Liquor Shortage In Local Convenience Store In No Way Linked To Campus Day Eve

11096733_979142315444142_880457474_nINDIANOLA – In news that has left the Indianola community absolutely baffled, local convenience stores’ supplies of cheap and crappy liquor have been completely depleted.

Locals who enjoy drinking Milwaukee’s Best, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Keystone Light, paint thinner, and Hawkeye Vodka were saddened to see that most, if not all of it, had been purchased earlier in the week.

“It’s almost like some group of people were stockpiling all of our cheap booze for some special event,” said Joe C. Tzen, a concerned citizen of Indianola. “I don’t know who it could have been but I know for a fact it has nothing to do with Simpson’s Campus Day Eve ‘celebrations.’”

At Simpson, students seemed unconcerned about the critically low levels of cheap hooch to be found in the Indianola community. Indeed, critical observers of campus behavior have noticed a rise in the use of larger back packs and distinctly guilty looking faces.

“I’m sure there is no cause for concern and that our low-quality alcohol will be found,” said student Abby Normal as she furtively glanced around and held her backpack tightly. “My guess is whoever bought it all will be enjoying it tonight, but that’s in no way, shape, or form because of Campus Day Eve.”

According to Yik-Yak posts, students are very much excited about Campus Day Eve with some claiming it’s their favorite holiday of the year. We at the Acorn can only assume they’re simply excited for all of the good volunteer work they’re going to accomplish on Campus Day.

On an unrelated note, sales of Gatorade and head-ache pills are expected to spike on Campus Day and convenience stores have stockpiled for the expected sales spike which is most likely completely unrelated to the festivities of Campus Day Eve.

By: Molly Monk and Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News

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