President Simmons Aims For Higher Office

2015-03-05_09-02-50BREAKING: On Tuesday afternoon, President Jay K. Simmons of Simpson College held a press conference. Reporters knew nothing more than he was “announcing something big.”

After a few questions about the Keystone Pipeline coming through campus, he got right to the point. “I’m stepping down as President of Simpson College to seek a higher office. I’m running for President of the United States.”

“It sounds like the worst job on the planet,” Simmons said, “but the retirement benefits are great! Plus, I’ve always dreamed about having a lifetime Secret Service detail.”

When asked if he were seeking the Republican or Democrat nomination, he laughed. “I’ve been a lifelong member of Zaphod Beeblebox’s party. I feel that when the American people hear our message, I’ll be successful. We’ve even come up with my slogan, ‘ONE SQUIRREL FOR EVERY POT!’”

We then turned to the hard-hitting questions, the ones every American will want to know. “Iowa Governor Terry Branstad has won every election while sporting a mustache. President Simmons, what role will your mustache play in your presidential campaign?” Simmons replied, “Clearly it will be instrumental in setting all of the policies we develop and I’m hoping it will serve as a model for men and women everywhere to start sporting one.”

Should Simmons become the nominee, he’d have the duty of picking a running mate to serve as his Vice President. “I’ve put a great deal of thought into this. Clearly the right choice is Austin Jacobs. Who else is there?”

The Simpson College Political Science Department immediately put out a poll to see if President Simmons had any chance. “He is leading the polls by 3%. If he wins, he gets a better house, car and his own plane. What else could he do? However, I think he may need to lose the moustache, people don’t trust someone with a ‘stache—looks too foreign or dangerous” said Political Science Professor John Epperson.

Simmons was unmoved. “The stats speak for themself. It’s the ‘stache” he said.

Jessalyn Holdcraft, Senior Class President, had this to say about President Simmons running for the highest office in the land, “From one president to another, I told him that he will achieve nuttin’ but success because that’s the Simpson way!”

If he wins the Presidential election, he plans to take action against Central College, a member of the Axis of Evil. “I could impose economic sanctions on them or possibly get my Secret Service to ‘take care’ of them. I’m a big fan of House of Cards and Frank Underwood has shown the light on how to do those things” Simmons said.

It seems that President Simmons likes House of Cards a bit too much. There were rumors a member of his cabinet that goes by the name ‘Stevey G’ was rigging polls and disposing of other candidates to make sure Simmons won. Simmons addressed the rumor head on. “This is falsehood! I would never order a member of my cabinet to do such things…unless it would truly help my campaign.”

To wrap up, we turned to Twitter where potential voters were submitting questions using the hashtag ‘#Prez2Prez’. Twitter user @Beyoncé wanted to know, ‘What color is the dress?! White and gold or blue and black??’ Simmons was quick to answer, “White and gold.”

That concluded the interview.

We thank President Simmons for sitting down with us for this interview and we, The Acorn, endorse his campaign for Presidency of the United States.

By: Austin Jacobs

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] KOW set the Guinness world record for a phallic sculpture, President Simmons announced he’s running for President, Although he didn’t join hopeful candidates at Simpson’s Pie Eating Contest And the […]

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  2. Endorsement: Simmons Promotes Traditional Simpson Values & Facial Hair | The Simpson Acorn - January 29, 2016

    […] Simmons, President of Simpson College, who announced his candidacy several months ago to little fanfare, is the right man for the job and it’s his time to […]

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