Simpson Raises Tuition to Bring Softer Toilet Paper to Campus

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SIMPSON – Students were excited to learn last Friday that Simpson’s tuition was being raised in order for the college to afford better toilet paper. Simpson administration hopes the new toilet paper will quell student complaints about the bathrooms at Simpson.

“The old toilet paper was quite literally the cheapest stuff we could find,” said Jan Keeling, the Administrative Assistant for Campus Services. “That toilet paper was the byproduct of a Minnesota sawmill where they would take sawdust and splinters, pound them into paste, and then dry them out as toilet paper.”

It is commonly believed among students that the hike in tuition for better toilet paper came as a result of Steve Griffith’s first-time use of campus restroom facilities. All administrators have personal bathrooms in their offices that they use all the time. Griffith’s first-time visit to a campus restroom facility is credited to 10 minutes after eating at Pfeiffer.

“I couldn’t believe how terrible the toilet paper was for students!” exclaimed Griffith. “I’m accustomed to using 24-Carat Gold 3-ply Toilet Paper that costs $1,376,900 per roll. Going from that to the sandpaper you students call toilet paper was an excruciating experience!”

The extra annual charge of $1,625 per student will be used completely for the purchase of newer, better toilet paper. Campus Health Services has graded the new toilet paper as “healthy for student use” and claims the new TP will not causes sores, bleeding, or death.

“If we were actually around on a regular basis, toilet paper injuries would be our Number 1 cause for students’ visits to the nurse’s office,” said Katie Lee, Director of Student Health Services. “Treating those cases was always an awkward experience for everyone involved.”

President Jay Simmons is very excited about the direction the college is taking in regards to students’ bottoms. He is already planning several All-Campus Toilet Meetings to discuss the benefits of the new toilet paper.

“I am incredibly thrilled to announce that Simpson’s new standard toilet paper will be Quilted Northern Ultra Plush Toilet Paper with a special Innerlux Layer among the 3 ply,” said Simmons. “This is what we call finding ‘Success at Simpson!’”

By: Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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