Archive | March, 2015

Liquor Shortage In Local Convenience Store In No Way Linked To Campus Day Eve

INDIANOLA – In news that has left the Indianola community absolutely baffled, local convenience stores’ supplies of cheap and crappy liquor have been completely depleted. Locals who enjoy drinking Milwaukee’s Best, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Keystone Light, paint thinner, and Hawkeye Vodka were saddened to see that most, if not all of it, had been purchased […]

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EX- “Hey Arnold” Character Discovered to be Student at Simpson

SIMPSON – Fans of the 90’s era TV show “Hey Arnold” will be surprised to learn that major supporting character Gerald Martin Johanssen is currently a First-Year student at Simpson. Johanssen had been attending Simpson under the alias “Cortez Daniel” in an attempt to separate himself from his time on the television show. To further […]

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Reaching Fourth Floor Wallace- A Simpson Success

Simpson student Zoe Carlson found her success in an unusual place this morning. While walking to her class on the fourth floor of Wallace Hall, she realized something was different. When she reached the top of the stairs, she was in shock. Carlson had done the impossible: she made it to the fourth floor of Wallace […]

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NCAA Security Lapse Results in Actual “March Madness”

It was poised to be yet another grand year of broken hearts, minds and bodies for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament until tragedy struck. Many security guards were caught up in watching the games this past weekend and, in result, a number of coordinated “chemical switcheroos” took place all over the country. Authorities discovered that […]

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One Direction Splits- Mass Hysteria On Campus

BREAKING NEWS: Zayn Malik has left the beloved boy band One Direction. Students and teachers have been heard crying and screaming in the halls and classrooms over this tragedy. President Simmons has declared this a campus wide emergency and is planning on cancelling classes to allow students and staff proper time to mourn the loss. […]

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