Students Flood Campus Counseling Due To Dress Controversy

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The Dress: Is it black and blue or white and gold? Students, now unsure of whether or not to trust their eyes and brains were evenly divided on the question causing consternation throughout the campus community.

As of this morning, students have flooded the Campus Counseling Services offices seeking aid for what has become to many students, a severe psychological crisis. Facilities are inadequate to handle the large volume of students attempting to utilize the counselors.

“We have never been in such high demand in our entire time here at Simpson!” exclaimed Ellie Olson, the Director of Counseling Services at Simpson, who appeared on the verge of a neurological breakdown as well.

“We are encouraging students to not look at the photo because of the severe nature of the photo’s side effects,” counseled Olson as she visibly avoided looking at her Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ feeds.

Simpson’s psychology and philosophy departments are seeing an influx of students in their classrooms as students attempt to find answers to this now age-old question. Professor of Philosophy John Pauley has been seen walking around campus with a large group of students hanging onto his every word.

“I feel like an absolute rock star with all this attention and I have a dress to thank for it,” said Pauley as he strolled by with his student groupies in tow. “I have never seen such a large amount of existential crisis and I love every minute of it!”

However, the vast majority of students don’t love the controversy. Emotions are running high and some students have become aggressive if challenged on how they see the dress.

“That dress is obviously white and gold,” exclaimed Teig Loge, a sophomore at Simpson, “and if one more person tells me it isn’t I’m going to beat them black and blue!… or white and gold… or… UGH!!! I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!”
In related news, all students majoring in biology were unfazed by the entire incident as they understand how the human eye actually works. “The Acorn” recommends avoiding these students as they will sanctimoniously inform you of your intellectual inferiority in the ways of biology.

By: Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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