Mrs. Lukefire: New Nanny in Clinton Apartment

2015-02-11_10-19-39SIMPSON – This past year has been one of turmoil for the Clinton Apartment complex which has now been placed under 24-hour quiet hours. To help enforce the new policies in Clinton, Simpson will be hiring a college nanny to help keep the building in order.

Mrs. Lukefire, the new nanny for Clinton, plans to keep order in her new domain through kindness.

“I will treat everyone fairly and equally. I want no one to feel left out or as if I am playing favorites,” said Mrs. Lukefire in a suspiciously hoarse voice. “I will love each of them and accept them as their own unique individuals.”

Mrs. Lukefire is no rookie and has a wealth of experience in dealing with college students. For the past 13 years, Mrs. Lukefire has served as a nanny for Buena Vista, where former Simpson student Ty Reindl is now enrolled.

“I have only heard the rumors, but it sounds like she was not a person you wanted to meet in a dark hallway after doing something wrong,” said Reindl in a telephone interview with the Acorn.

Mrs. Lukefire explained how she will go about enforcing the rules in Clinton.

“I live by kindness, but I’m not afraid to lay down the law. Rules are rules for a reason. You must follow them or else,” said Mrs. Lukefire as she menacingly stroked a rather large ruler. “I still believe if you break a rule, you just need a good butt whooping to correct your attitude and actions.”

Clinton residents have mixed feelings about the new nanny now present in their midst. Junior Bryant McWilliams, a Community Advisor in Clinton said, “I don’t care really… as long as she doesn’t become a pain in the butt and fall asleep in random places… I’ll be OK with it.”

Senior Shannon Rohlk, is excited about the new hire, “I think it’ll be great to have a new face around and someone who I can be friends with.”

In unrelated news, Interim Director of Residence Life and Dean of Students Luke Behaunek has taken a paid leave-of-absence from Simpson. He was last seen leaving the school premises wearing a rather frizzy, old-person wig. It is unknown as to when he will return.

By: Conner McGinnis

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Categories: News


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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] The Keystone Pipeline runs through the middle of campus, Holy Grounds coffee turned into bar, Mrs. Lukefire cleaned up the Clinton Apartments, Patrick O’Malley lost his green squirrel, Hump Day Donuts […]


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