Squirrel overpopulation problem to be solved by Simpson’s Shooting Sports Club


The Simpson College Shooting Sports Club has been given permission by campus security to hunt squirrels on campus as part of a concentrated effort to drive down the squirrel population. Additionally, these measures will aid in preventing the possible transmission of rabies among the campus squirrel population.

Director of Campus Security Chris Frerichs came to the Shooting Sports Club with his concern for the wellbeing of students in the wake of a recent squirrel overpopulation crisis on campus. His proposal involved the use of lethal force by the Shooting Sports Club.

A recent campus census revealed the squirrel population to be more than 200% over what is permissible at Simpson. Areas of highest population were found near the entrances of the Kent Campus Center and Pfeiffer Dining Hall.

“I know it isn’t normally an issue, but on a college campus where students are directly affected, diseases such as rabies are definitely a concern for me,” said Frerichs. “The squirrels raised on Simpson’s campus are brave and will come in close proximity to humans without fear… I nearly tripped over one yesterday halfway through a text message!”

Mr. Frerichs’ proposal allows Shooting Sports Club officers, who are equipped with carry permits, to temporarily exercise their right to carry on campus and defend themselves, as well as other students, who are found in close proximity to potentially-dangerous squirrels.

Members of the Shooting Sports Club who have been issued so-called “licenses to kill” are Caitlin Dicus, Catalina Vorwald, Jeannetta Fuller, Xavier Robles, Charles Mannis, and advisor Dr. Adam Brustkern.

In order to prevent unwanted decomposition and provide a use for squirrel carcasses collected by the Shooting Sports Club, the squirrel carcasses will be collected, dried and sanitized. The hides of these squirrels will be used to make winter hats to donate to the local Goodwill. The idea was proposed by the Environmental Awareness Club after concerns were raised about the hazards posed by decomposing squirrel carcasses.

Students who are not members of the Shooting Sports Club are advised to protect themselves from potentially-dangerous squirrels by using any means available to them, including heavy textbooks and track cleats. However they are not advised to purchase or use a weapon.

Dates of authorized “Squirrel Hunting” will be determined by Security and Shooting Sports Club official. These dates will be released to the public later this week so that students and professors may “take the day off” to remain indoors and off-campus.

Campus officials recommend that students only operate on campus during daylight hours and remain aware of their surroundings. The campus nurse will be reinstated to full-time status for the duration and, with the aid of Simpson’s Pre-Med students, will be equipped with supplies to handle possible squirrel attack cases. The Indianola campus of Simpson College as of today will be held on “Squirrel Lockdown.”

Respectfully Submitted,

Winchester Remington

Homeland Security Official for the Acorn

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Categories: News


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