SIMPSON – After 8 inches of snowfall last night, Simpson College has been declared a disaster zone by President Simmons. Simmons has advised students to stay indoors and watch the Super Bowl even though no one in the Midwest cares about either team.Icon

“I’m going to go ahead and cancel classes for Monday,” yelled Simmons as he rode a sled down the Pedestrian Plaza. “This is an emergency situation after all… whoop-eeeeeee!!!!”

In related news, Simmons was taken to the hospital after slamming into one of the poorly placed benches on the Pedestrian Plaza. He is expected to make a full recovery.

As news of the cancellation of Monday classes spread throughout the residence halls, anarchy broke out among the students. Reportedly, all Community Advisors (CA) in the residence halls and apartments have systematically been cornered and sealed within their rooms.

No CA could be reached for comment as there was too much furniture piled in front of their doors by students “concerned” for the “safety” of their CAs.

Simpson security forces have been dispatched to restore order to the campus community but have been pinned down by renegade student snowball brigades just outside of the Kent Campus Center.

Classes will resume Tuesday as regularly scheduled upon the success of Simpson security’s efforts in quelling the anarchy sweeping the residence halls.

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