Yoda Interviews The Whispering Maple

2015-04-18_10-26-18

*Guest submission by avid Acorn reader and supporter, Professor Marty Feeney*


Recently, staff reporter Yoda (played by Marty Feeney, who is 900-years-old) decided to interview a celebrity on campus who was featured in Professor Joe Walt’s Beneath the Whispering Maples. The Acorn will feature interviews of Simpson personalities, who cast a giant shadow on the academic purloins of lectures gone to seed, who harvest the ontological roots of the existential dilemma in a sea of Cliff Note Moby Dicks, or who date Taylor Swift.

Yoda

Call you what, do I? Mr. Whispers? Mr. Maple? Barky?

The Whispering Maple
Barky’s been my nickname since 4th grade when I chewed a Rottweiler herding a Kerry Beagle into a caboose filled with Petco reptile lamps.­­­ ¹
Yoda

Of essence in the essence, why they call you the Whispering Maple, hmm? Yeesssssss.

The Whispering Maple
Nobody likes a loud maple.

Yoda
You that who told, hmm?

The Whispering Maple
Marcel Marceau and Jim Glogowski. ²

Yoda
When graduate did you?

The Whispering Maple
I graduated in 1864. I was an agronomy, theatre and chemistry major because back then we read 12-page books with lots of pictures of Joan of Arc, if you know what I mean. ³
Yoda
Remember the one who obi wan-ed your future, do you? Your advisor, hmm?
The Whispering Maple
Dr. Ron Warnet ⁴
Yoda
You mean the one who profs and dry-boards now in 2015 in the chemistry department?
The Whispering Maple
Yes Dr. Nanoscience, Dr. Atomic Clock, Dr. The Same Jokes. He still tells the one about the Battle of Balaclava. ⁵ Whatever you do, don’t mention the name Lufkin Dennison. ⁶ He goes on for hours.

Yoda

Numbering, ruminating, and formula-creating professor, good was he?
The Whispering Maple
OH! OH! Best professor at Simpson College for the last 151 years!
Yoda

Of light years and protons in the ebb and flow, your favorite Simpson College President who is?
The Whispering Maple
ZZ Top.
Yoda
Hmm?
The Whispering Maple
Go over to that big room above admissions ⁷ and look at the SC Presidential portraits. The guy with the twig-infested, squiggly, bird’s nest beard?… that’s President Top.
Yoda
Really, hmm? Hmmmmmm.
The Whispering Maple
Well he’s a sharp dressed man. ⁸
Yoda

To him what happened?
The Whispering Maple
He got fired because he kept singing, “I got-sta get paid.”
Yoda
Ever star in any plays at Simpson, did you?
The Whispering Maple
Yes, in 2008 Eugene O’Neill’s Desire Under the Elms directed by Jennifer Ross Nostrala. I think of her as Shakespeare said in Taming of the Shrub: “She that directeth in flumes of pentameter and oakenberries of clover knoweth the text and texture like a soul cat in the kibbles of bit.”
Yoda
Wrote that, Shakespeare did?
The Whispering Maple
Yes, and Two Gentlemen of Sequoia and Two Gentle Saps of Spumoni.


Yoda

Help any other way, did Professor Nostrala?
The Whispering Maple
She told me not to try-out for One Tree Hill. What a dogwood. I’ll always be grateful for that.
Yoda

Coolest place on campus, what is?
The Whispering Maple
Marilyn Leek’s office.
Yoda
Hmm?
The Whispering Maple
I had to say that. She gave me my own Simp card. Plus, she lets me hide there when Proctor wants to talk about The Walking Dead. He loves that show! I can never find Procter’s zombies. ¹⁰
Yoda
I thank you for levitating this interview from obscurity want to. For as we collectivize the dialectic in the primordial. ¹¹ Anything else to say, do you?
The Whispering Maple
Actually, Yoda the interviewer always quotes the interviewee. I would like to quote you-Yoda:
Much to learn you still have, my old Padawan. This is just the beginning! ¹²

 

The Acorn Staff Notes

¹The Acorn has not been able to find any evidence confirming the occurrence of this event.

²Marcel Marceau was a famous French actor and mime known for his performances as “Bip the Clown // Jim Glogowski is the head coach of the Simpson College football team.

³We at The Acorn cannot figure out what he means.

⁴A long time science adjunct with Simpson College.

⁵This was an actual battle that occurred during the Crimean War… we checked. However, we are unsure as to what the joke could actually be.

⁶Aaron Lufkin Dennison was a successful businessman and watchmaker during the 1800s.

⁷We were able to determine that he was referring to the Matthew Simpson Room on the second floor of College Hall.

⁸Buh dum tish.

⁹Yeah… about all those play names? We have no idea whatsoever…

¹⁰Marilyn Leek is the Director of Procurement and Dr. Nick Proctor is a history professor well-known for his love of Reacting to the Past Games.

¹¹No translation available.

¹²You actually read all of these? Kudos to you!

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] got it’s crack back, Simpson’s EMERGE program is beta testing “Snap-Yak“, Yoda visited campus, The library now has a life guard, The Keystone Pipeline runs through the middle of […]

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