Controversy surrounds the Simpson Blizzard curling team

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The New England Patriots have recently been the center of controversy surrounding the deflation of footballs used in the AFC Championship Game, but they are not the only team being accused to stacking the odds in their favor.

Over the past few days, investigators from the United States Curling Association (USCA) have been reviewing the big rock things that Simpson College students have been aimlessly sliding across ice due to claims of “stone tampering deviations” or STDs. Teams from across the nation have been outraged by the Simpson Blizzard’s long trend of curling dominance and the USCA now has reason to believe STDs may have been involved.

Lisa Carponelli, head coach of the Blizzard and a communications professor as Simpson, finds these claims to be outrageous and has adamantly claimed that no foul play has been involved in her team’s long streak of national curling dominance.

Most STDs occur when teams don’t protect their precious stones before and after a match. If another group had access to a team’s stones without protection, an STD can be transmitted. In this case, Simpson has been accused of giving themselves STDs by hollowing out their own stones in order to make them lighter.

“My team has never been involved with any such misconduct and we are horrified that other teams would claim that our excellence is based upon lies and deception,” Carponelli said in a press conference earlier this week. “My team has always competed fairly and we are ready to fight these charges together as a team.”

The current STDs controversy has come at a very inopportune time for the USCA as they are currently embroiled in a controversial lawsuit with the National Shuffleboard Association (NSA). The NSA’s lawsuit accuses the entire sport of curling for being a self-righteous group of copycats.

NSA Commissioner Mickey Mickens, a member of the NSA Hall of Fame, had this to say about their longstanding rivalry with the USCA and the allegations of rampant STDs.

“Curling is basically glorified shuffleboard on ice. All they did was change the surface and made it so old people couldn’t play and then you got an Olympic sport out of it. That just doesn’t seem fair to me or any of my fellow NSA members,” he said from his nursing home in upstate New Jersey. “All I know for sure is that our organization has never had any STDs because we don’t even have stones.”

The Simpson Blizzard has won the last eight national championships in D-III Collegiate Curling defeating literally their one and only rival, the Southeastern Texas Tech College Fighting Harpoons, every year since both teams were founded during a San Diego bar fight in 2006.

By Seth Albers

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Categories: Sports

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  1. Top Moments of 2015 at Simpson College | The Simpson Acorn - January 2, 2016

    […] realistically, not all things at Simpson are good: Controversy surrounded Simpson’s Curling Team, President Simmon’s Netflix got hacked, There was a turf war between scooters and […]

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