ABP service slows to halt as students tear apart store looking for bread bag shoes

ABP_Story

Service at popular campus restaurant Au Bon Pain (ABP) halted following a mass stampede of students climbing over the counter to raid the bread supply. 

Allegedly, students were after the plastic bags used to contain loaves of bread. Plastic bag shoe coverings, commonly known as “bread bags”, have recently been popularized by Senator Joni Ernst, R-IA, in her rebuttal to the 2015 State of the Union address. Iowa supermarkets have all faced a severe bread shortage following the State of the Union.

“Walmart and HyVee were all out,” Sophomore Virginia Atwell said. “Where else could we go for our fashion needs besides ABP? Bread bags are the Iowa Way. We need to have them on our feet. Goodbye Uggs, hello breadbags!”

While several students felt inconvenienced by the halt in ABP service, many students took the change in stride.

Senior Katie Hermann said, “I didn’t notice that anything was different, honestly. ABP is always slow. And usually, students are stampeding the counter to find food. At least this time, it’s for fashion and the Iowa Way.”

When asked about the ongoing bread bag frenzy, Chris Stockman, director of dining services, said that all plans to end the chaos were “classified.”

He did mention the possibility of reopening Hopper Express in emergency situations, but recommends that students utilize Pfieffer Dining Hall in the meantime. All bread and the bags containing that bread have been removed from Pfieffer for safety concerns.

By Molly Monk

Tags: , , , , , ,

Categories: News

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One Comment on “ABP service slows to halt as students tear apart store looking for bread bag shoes”

  1. January 23, 2015 at 5:12 pm #

    The real story posted by Reuters in Japan is that Joni Ernst might be a 2nd generation replicant manufactured by a Hybrid seed company in Iowa. Spectographic analysis suggests a “micro-momentary body and paralinguistic pause latency typical of immature circuitry designs.” Vocal cadence and “word pace erosion” (less than 80 words a minute) and an upper “neck stodge that inhibits motion,” and the repetition of words that begin with L-all indicate a synapse collapse on the order of Marvin the Paranoid Android.

    Like

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