Co-Founders of the Acorn found alive

Found Alive Story

DES MOINES – Co-Founders and Co-Editor-in-Chiefs of the Acorn, Robert Lyons and Nick Hermon have been found alive and well. Their reappearance brings an end to a month long search for the two blossoming entrepreneurs who disappeared on over Christmas.

Prior to his reappearance late last Thursday, Hermon had last been seen driving west out of Arvada, Colorado, to the consternation of his girlfriend Kayley Zimmerman, a first-year student at Simpson College.

“Nick had finally gotten to meet my folks on their home turf and I thought everything was going well,” said Zimmerman. “But then my dad challenged Nick to an arm wrestling match and Nick lost pretty handedly… pun intended.”

“After that devastating defeat Nick got this weird look in his eye,” recalled Zimmerman. “He mumbled something about becoming a real man and then he took off in his car heading towards Arapaho National Park.”

When Hermon didn’t return by the following morning, Zimmerman notified the authorities of his disappearance. Within hours an extensive manhunt conducted by the National Parks Service and the Colorado National Guard was under way in Arapaho National Park.

On December 18, a bloodstained flannel shirt identified as Hermon’s was discovered near the Dillon Reservoir. Authorities feared the worst but no other breakthroughs were made until yesterday when Ranger Rick of the National Parks Service came upon the surprisingly buff and well-nourished Hermon while investigating a smoke sighting in the area.

“He was almost completely nude when I found him,” said Ranger Rick. “He was catching fish bare-handed in a nearby stream and he had this luxuriantly long beard… he looked like a real manly-man!”

Authorities made sure to return Hermon immediately to the Zimmerman residence before notifying his family of his safe recovery. Upon his return he immediately challenged Mr. Zimmerman to another arm wrestling contest, this time beating him. Hermon became exuberant and began yelling: “I’m a man! I’m a real man!”

Editor-in-Chief Robert Lyons was also reunited with his family late last Thursday at Eppley Airfield in Omaha, Neb. Lyons had been found washed up on a beach in Cuba on January 7. Thanks to the opening of diplomatic relations between the US and Cuba, Lyons was sent back home as a sign of political goodwill by the Castro Regime.

Lyons and his family had been on vacation in Jacksonville, Fla., to watch the University of Iowa Hawkeyes in the TaxSlayer Gator Bowl. Lyons, well-known for his love of all things Hawkeye, disappeared soon after the disappointing loss against the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

“Before the game, Robert had wandered off without our permission,” said his mother Jayne Lyons. “We finally found him behind a BBQ shack with a rather shady looking Cuban man who reminded me a little bit of Scarface.”

“Anyways, when we came around the corner of the BBQ Shack the Cuban was leaving and it looked as if some kind of deal had been struck,” said Jayne. “We asked him what he had been doing but he wouldn’t give us a straight answer. All he said was that he had finally found a way to pay off the excessive costs associated with attending Simpson.”

After the game when Lyons could not be found, his parents notified the police who began a city-wide search immediately. With such a small Cuban population in Jacksonville, the Cuban that Lyons had been seen with was apprehended within a matter of days on January 5.

The Cuban suspect disclosed that Lyons had made a bet of over $80,000 on the Hawkeyes to win. Authorities suspected Lyons made the bet as a way of trying to pay off his remaining two years at Simpson College.

After the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, the Cuban, who we are told is being held in the Witness Protection Program in lovely Guantanamo Bay, revealed that he and his compatriots had kidnapped Lyons after the game when they realized he couldn’t pay the bet.

Instead of killing Lyons, the Cuban sent him to Miami where Lyons would work off his debt as a drug mule for the cartels. However, once in Miami, the Cuban had no idea what had happened to Lyons. All the Cuban knew was that half of associates were dead and his drug stashes had been destroyed.

Lyons was found by Cuban naval authorities washed up on a beach outside of Matanzas, Cuba, covered in blood that was not his own. After disclosing his identity, diplomatic procedures were initiated to send Lyons back to his family in Iowa.

Upon his arrival, Lyons would say nothing about his perilous experiences but did have some strong words for his favorite college football team: “SCREW… YOU… HAWKEYES!”

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