The Flannel Filcher and the Picken Pilferer still on the loose!

20141207_152840This past week Simpson was rocked by the revelation that thieves were running rampant on campus. Two separate, seemingly unrelated instances of thievery have left students terrified for their belongings and their personal safety.

The felonious activity began on Thursday, Dec. 4, when Alex Vander Veen, a Simpson sophomore, noticed her laundry materials had been pilfered from the Picken laundry room. She immediately took to Yik-Yak to warn the populace of the felonious activity.

“I just couldn’t believe anyone would sink low enough to steal my or anyone’s laundry materials,” growled Vander Veen. “If I get my hands on this so-called ‘Picken Pilferer’ I’ll wring his neck like a wet towel, clean his clock as well as a washing machine and hang him out to dry faster than any dryer!”

Interim Director of Residence Life Luke Behaunek is currently leading the investigation of the Picken Pilfering. Behaunek had some words of warning for the “Picken Pilferer.

“They obviously picked the absolute worst person to steal from. I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t mess with Alex Vander Veen,” said Behaunek. “To the thief I ask you this: ‘Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of your clothing?’ Because it sounds like after Vander Veen is done with you, there will be a lot of blood… from you… and on you.”

Another high profile theft occurred late Saturday, Dec. 6, in the Kent Campus Center. Sophomore Ethan Pellegrino discovered that his favorite flannel top had been stolen at some point during the CAB sponsored dance in the Principal Black Box. In other news, students were shocked to learn that CAB had a dance on Saturday night; everyone could have sworn there had been talk of a Mardi Gras themed formal.

Pellegrino was shocked and dismayed to have been the victim of such a heinous act of theft. At a school sponsored press conference early Sunday morning, Pellegrino spoke on the subject of the newly-named “Flannel Filcher.”

“The ‘Flannel Filcher’ can run, but he must not have known I’m on the cross country team,” said Pellegrino menacingly. “I will run him down like a dog. I do not tire and I will not cease this chase until my flannel has been recovered…”

Chris Frerichs, Director of Security for Simpson, also spoke at the conference. Frerichs announced he has authorized the use of lethal force in taking down the “Picken Pilferer” and the “Flannel Filcher.”

“I have given our security team the go-ahead that, if necessary to take down these criminals, they can run them down with our golf cart,” said Frerichs. “If they can somehow outrun our golf cart, well, I guess they deserve to get away.”

Assistance is being provided to Vander Veen and Pellegrino to help them get through these trying times. The Simpson College Swim and Cross-Country teams have banded together to ask for donations of flannel and laundry materials. Donations can be dropped off at the Kent Campus Center Information Desk.

Simpson Security asks that if you have any information about the identity or whereabouts of the “Picken Pilferer” or the “Flannel Filcher” to contact them at 515-961-1711. However, Vander Veen and Pellegrino have requested to be contacted first so they can take care of the situation permanently.

By Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: News

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