Ghost of Bill Buxton returns to fund the creation of a new mascot


Early last week the ghost of Bill Buxton returned to Simpson College to visit President Simmons to discuss yet another substantial donation to the college.

“Mr. Buxton would like to fund the development of a new mascot for the college,” Simmons reported in his pseudo-southern drawl, “He said he came across even more money in death and wanted to contribute to the college yet again. Times are tough and we have to accept everything we can.”

The idea for Buxton to fund a mascot came after a conversation between Simmons and Buxton where they tried to find something that he didn’t already have his name on. Currently there is already a Buxton Park, Buxton Hall, Buxton Stadium, Buxton Street, and most famously a Buxton Shower House at Wesley Woods.

“I have my name on a lot of stuff but what I don’t have is a mascot,” Buxton explained. “That is why I propose to change the current mascot ‘The Storm’ to ‘The Fighting Bill Buxtons.’”

Buxton feels that this mascot better captures the spirit of the school. In regards to the old mascot, Buxton feels it is “some pansy knockoff of the Cyclones” and believes that his proposal is “a regal mascot worthy of praise.”

Some students are not quite as excited about this change in mascot.

“I don’t really want to have my chest emblazoned with a dead rich guy,” lamented sophomore Teig Loge. “I mean, that’s really going to hurt my ‘chill’ factor.”

Unfortunately, for Loge and other students who feel the same way, the proposed change in mascots has already been accepted by the Board of Trustees. Plans to change the school mascot will be implemented in January with sports uniforms being the first thing to be modified.

“Buxton has the money and, in the best interests of the college, I couldn’t turn him down,” said Simmons. “I don’t like it much either, but you’ve got to admit it has a certain ring to it. Kind of sounds like money…”

By: Five Cents Worth

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: News


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One Comment on “Ghost of Bill Buxton returns to fund the creation of a new mascot”

  1. November 18, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

    I thunk that there’s a Bill Buxton Brian Steffen and a Bill Buxton Mark Siebert. Wait I just saw the Hindenburg fly by my window. Emblazoned across it’s girthy frontage it said, “Bill Buxton,” WOW, now that’s branding!


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