Kim Kardashian’s PAPER Magazine cover breaks StormFront

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On November 12 and 13, Simpson’s student portal, StormFront, crashed unexpectedly during the sophomore and first-year online class registration times.

The crash caused mass panic and wide spread mayhem across the Simpson campus. Sophomores were seen flooding Hillman Hall in hopes of registering manually. While first-years were seen flooding various buildings because they had no idea where they were going.

The culprit behind the #StormFrontCrash2k14 is to thought be Kim Kardashian’s bare buttocks. Her nude photo shoot with PAPER magazine was slated to “Break the Internet” but instead caused millions of dollars in damage to Simpson’s online infrastructure and broke StormFront.

Eyewitness reports tell of fires engulfing Dunn Library and angry mobs flooding Hillman Hall. Some students even went as far as to domesticate wild squirrels and ride them into the Registrar’s Office in hopes of outrunning other students. Most students were not able to register for spring classes until ten hours after their original registration time.

Walking from Carver Science hall, this reporter saw indescribable things. Shattered laptops covered the ground, students cried over broken dreams and missed 10:20 classes, and faculty and staff who had only recently emerged from Pfeiffer Dinning Hall after barricading themselves in it for protection.

(On an related note: Simpson’s Environmental Awareness Club has set up a recycling bin for damaged laptops and computers to be placed in so they can be correctly disposed of.)

The Great #StormFrontCrash2k14 was of such an extreme nature that the usual recourse of calling IT to fix StormFront proved inadequate. This has led to President Simmons creating a new department in charge of keeping StormFront operational.

The new department consists of a highly specialized taskforce of wild squirrels taken from across Simpson campus that are trained to go into the depths of the network servers to fix any problems that arise with StormFront.

This new task force is already being receiving world-wide praise and recognition. The force has even grabbed the attention of famed actor and squirrel rights advocate Rocky the Flying Squirrel of the long-running cartoon series, “Rocky and Bullwinkle.”

The new department, to be named the “Squirrel Tactical Force Unit” or “S.T.F.U.” for short, will be fully up and running in time for next semester’s registration.

By Paige Dorn

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Categories: News

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