That’s not snow… that’s cocaine on the ground

2015-04-18_09-29-48A cargo plane smuggling cocaine from Miami, Florida, exploded in the skies over Indianola late last night. The plane’s cargo of 100 tons of cocaine was released into the airspace above Indianola where it soon settled as a fine layer of white powder, almost snow-like in appearance, over the city. The highest concentrations of cocaine dust-fall could be found on the Simpson College campus early Tuesday morning.

The cargo plane, a retired Airbus A300 capable of carrying 120 tons of cargo, was on the final stretch of its five and half hour flight into Des Moines when Air Force officials based at the Des Moines International Airport caught wind of the plane’s cargo. Two jet fighters were immediately scrambled and sent to intercept the cargo plane.

“Would it have been simpler to arrest the crew and seize the cocaine once it landed? It might have been,” said Major General Ferdinand Begswell of the USAF, “but we don’t get much action out here in the Midwest. We thought it would be a nice training exercise for our recruits.”

The cargo plane was informed several times by the pilots of the two jet fighters that they were under arrest and would need to turn themselves and their cargo over to the authorities in Des Moines. Ten minutes into the pursuit, the cargo plane apparently self-destructed and the plane’s three occupants were seen parachuting to safety on the outskirts of Indianola.

“We will do everything in our power to bring these smugglers to justice and clean up the mess made by the Air Force,” said Chief Dave Button of the Indianola Police Department. “In the meantime, we advise everyone to not touch, smell, or ingest the powdered cocaine that has coated the city.”

Students at Simpson first became aware of the cocaine coating their campus when a noticeable change in the local squirrel behavior became apparent. Instead of frolicking about and scurrying to avoid students, squirrels were instead seen aggressively pursuing and attacking students around campus. The Simpson Shooting Sports Club was dispatched by campus security to put down the cocaine addicted squirrels before anyone was severely harmed.

Fortunately, once exposed to the elements, the 100% pure cocaine did not last long. By late afternoon Tuesday, the cocaine had all but dissolved and evaporated. Simpson administration couldn’t be reached for comment; however, a bloodied and scratched-up spokesman for the college announced he would answer questions from the media after he killed all the bugs crawling over his body.

On an unrelated note, the Simpson community has welcomed three new transfer students from the University of Miami who came into town late Monday night. The arrivals were unexpected but were enthusiastically welcomed by the Office of Admissions.

By Lionel Robertson

2015-04-18_09-33-15

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: News

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