Wear swag to your interviews

SWAG PhotoWhat employers want is SWAG. Not cheap T-Shirts and pens that fall under the umbrella of “Stuff We All Get,” or a female being attached to someone of Bavarian descent (She Wants A German), but the kind of swag that makes you looks Fergalicious.

What is swag? Swag is wearing shoes that cost more than your cell phone. Swag is driving a 2014 Escalade with more chrome than necessary and not being able to put gas in it.

The swag lifestyle consists of acting like you don’t care how people think you look, when in reality, that’s all you care about. Swag consists of basically wearing your money. The hierarchy of Swaggy brands would be Jordan, Nike, and then Wal-Mart.

There are a few ways to go about showing people that you have swag.

The first is just being really flashy. Shimmery, oversized track suits will work perfectly with some Air Jordan sneakers, cheap bling, a New York Yankees flat-bill, and a really cool looking grill. This is the proper attire to wear to an interview. Let your potential employer know that you will be looking “fly” every day in the workplace. That will be too much for them to pass up and we guarantee that you’ll get hired on the spot.

This business casual look is a more conservative approach that should be reserved for spending time with your peers, also known as “homies”. Normally one would wear a pair of baggy jeans, jean shorts, sweatpants, or athletic shorts. No matter what you’re wearing on your legs, it needs to be sitting below the buttocks and must expose a pair of shorts or boxers if there is even a slight possibility of “balling.” For a top, you should wear a wife beater of any color preferably Fruit of the Loom or Hanes. This plain attire is used to subtly accentuate your sneakers (aka “kicks”), which should be Jordan or Nike and look expensive. Remember, ALWAYS wear Nike Elite Basketball Socks, so if anyone needs to get dunked on, it can happen.

Here are a few other nitpicky things to help make you the swaggiest homie in your crew. Spelling and grammar don’t matter. If your Escalade still has a passenger seat, replace it with a sub-woofer. The word hundred is pronounced “hunna.” For example: “I don’t think the popular motion picture ‘Three Hunna’ is an adequate portrayal of the ancient Greek culture that is depicted in The Complete Works of Plato.

As the great CEO Dr. Professor Patrick once said, “If you look like you’re a member of the Backstreet Boys, I will hire you based solely on your swag.”

The more swag you have, the more interest corporate America will take in you.

Fashion Correspondent – Mr. Miyagi, Master of the Dojo of the Swag-On

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