Increase of vandalism leads to evacuation of campus

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Relations between students and administration on campus are becoming dangerously tense. For too long, students have been cooped up inside of their rooms, forced to stare at computer screens, dealing with far too low midterm grades.

Times are getting desperate, and as any savvy observer around campus can see, students are beginning to channel their emotions into, shall we say, creative outlets. Most recently, Picken Hall and the Clinton apartments have encountered some unfortunate additions to their outdated decor: mismatched plaster and gaping holes now speckle their hallowed halls. These recent occurrences have become a point of controversy between students and administration.

“The students are just trying to be helpful, they know that enrollment is down and they are doing their part to help eliminate unnecessary housing,” explained a recently graduated alumnus, “It’s a civil service really, saving the college on demolition costs.”

Simpson administration denied any rumors pertaining to the demolition of student housing and maintained that this destructive behavior is unacceptable. One student who wished to remain anonymous reached out to the The Acorn, desperate to share his story.

“I’m at my breaking point,” he said. “I can’t punch a professor; I can’t punch my midterm grade… punching walls is my only option.”

In what analysts with The Acorn are describing as a Hail-Mary attempt to save what is left of student housing, the administration has mandated an evacuation of campus set to take place the evening of Oct. 29th and lasting through November 2nd.

“It is our hope that this evacuation will provide students with an opportunity to de-compress,” said a Simpson representative. “Go home, take a yoga class, and maybe plow a field. You know, relaxing activities.”

The evacuation announcement was enthusiastically received by students who were anxious to see an end to the atrocities being committed against student housing. Administration believes the evacuation will return peace of mind to the 1,300 students that call Simpson home.

By Susan Alt, Graphic by Nick Hermon

Tags: , , ,

Categories: News

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