Rabid squirrels from Missouri infiltrate Simpson’s Campus and infect students

2015-04-18_09-00-35A small pack of squirrels have recently been spotted on campus calling themselves “The Squirrel Squad” and they are not to be messed with. The Squirrel Squad is believed to have originated in Kahoka, Missouri and is allegedly infected with a rare type of rabies.

A few students have already been infected and are infecting other students. The disease is spreading like wildfire.

How do I know if my roommate is infected?” you may be asking yourself.

The symptoms of the infected (being affectionately called “Zombies”) are very obvious. First, they have weird fashion taste and almost immediately start wearing a green or orange bandana on their head. They are very frightened of balled up socks, and even deterred by them.

For some reason, the zombies are attracted to men and women wearing bright green or orange armbands. These individuals are 99% more likely to be attacked by a zombie. If you are not an individual wearing an armband, your friend is still in there and is not likely to attack you.

It is believed that the first student infected was sophomore Bill Carey. He was in Buxton park Sunday night, practicing his comedy routine. The act was a new one, and still pretty rough. There were some puns in there that were very offensive to squirrel-kind, and Carey was attacked by the Squirrel Squad and bitten multiple times. After being infected he ravaged a group of students wearing armbands, and that was how the fiasco started.

Experts have been studying the zombies in the past few days and have noticed that they will not attack inside buildings or within a few feet of entrances. Many have been spotted in Pfeiffer Dining Hall, so they seem to have maintained a yearning for the food of the living.

Being a zombie is physically demanding, so eating as much as they need to keep going is very damaging to their meal plans. This is why zombies need to eat people every two days to stay healthy. We are not sure how, but after being eaten, humans will rise from the dead looking good as new, except they are ZOMBIES!

Unless you love wearing neon armbands, do not be afraid of the peace-loving zombies. They will not hurt us. But be prepared. What will happen when all of the students wearing the colorful armbands have been eaten? Will the zombies turn to the rest of the student population? Is anyone truly safe? Is Zombie Burger taking applications? Did I leave my headlights on? If President Simmons and Robert Lyons got in a fight, who would win? Will Erich and Seth be on 88.9 Thursday at 1? Yes. They will.

Watch out, nobody is safe. The zombies are armed with swords, and the Squirrel Squad has taken Conner McGinnis hostage. Be sure to sleep with a loaded sock under your pillow. You never know who has been infected until it’s too late. This has been Erich Bogner with The Acorn. Sleep tight Simpson.

By Erich Bogner

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: News

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    […] an outbreak of rabid zombie squirrels from Missouri last year, Simpson believed to have eradicated all those infected, but to no […]

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  2. Tyler’s Replaced by Zombie Burger | Simpson College The Acorn - March 9, 2016

    […] an outbreak of rabid zombie squirrels from Missouri last year, Simpson believed to have eradicated all those infected, but to no […]

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