Kohawk and Storm football coaches sign homecoming treaty


INDIANOLA —After weeks of patiently waiting, the Simpson College football team has finally made peace with their homecoming foes, the Coe Kohawks after signing a treaty ending the violence of young men smashing into each other repeatedly over several hours. The Simpson coaching staff found themselves suffering from a mix of fear and confusion going into this match-up because they in fact “did not know what in the hell a Kohawk was.”

Fear of injury or loss of life was at an all-time high when the coaches met to put an end to the battle before it even happened. Simpson coach Jim Glogowski voiced his concern for the lives of his players this weekend. “I was just thinking to myself, I have no idea what a Kohawk is. Is it a bird or some sort of native warrior? Could it possibly be both? All of these questions overwhelmed me and I knew I had to get my kids out of there,” Coach Glogowski said.

The coaching staff spent many hours deliberating that very question: What kind of creature is the Kohawk? All ideas from a hybrid man-beast to a sort of ‘demon witch doctor’ were put on the table. But the men of the staff did not attempt treaty talks until they finally saw images of what a Kohawk might be.

“That’s when I knew it was bad, man,” offensive coordinator Joe Beschorner said. “I saw the picture of Hawkman and I knew that if that was what we were up against, we had no chance of winning and we would probably lose more than just the game. It had wings man, it had wings,” Beschorner said in a fit of complete distress.

Coe College coaches didn’t have any clue how to react. “We tried to tell them that it was just our mascot but they wouldn’t listen. They just kept yelling for mercy while they waved pictures of Hawkman in our faces,” Head Coach Steve Staker said. After only four minutes of discourse, the two teams agreed to the terms of the treaty which was simply a glorified surrender to the Kohawk team.

“I’m just happy to know that we won’t have to share a field with whatever those people are,” Glogowski said. Glogowski later stated that the Simpson Storm would also concede its game against Loras on the grounds that they also have a terrifying amoeba of a mascot in the Duhawk.

By Seth Albers

Tags: , , , ,

Categories: Sports


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One Comment on “Kohawk and Storm football coaches sign homecoming treaty”

  1. tim smith
    October 16, 2014 at 6:05 pm #

    why did you have us conceding, doesnt seem very homecoming spirit esk.


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