Homecoming royalty vie for control of campus

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Democratic elections conducted by the Campus Activities Board (CAB) during Homecoming have resulted in the peaceful overthrow of the Student Government Association (SGA). Ruling in their stead are now the lords and ladies of the multiple warring factions of the House of Simpson.

Currently, four branches of the House of Simpson are vying for control of the Maple Throne, the seat of power and governance for all of campus. Among the warring factions fighting for control of the throne can be found Lord Drew Jensen and Lady Audrey LoVan of Firstyearia, Archduke Cort Singleton and Marquess Maddy Swift of Sophstone, and Grand Duke Jake McLain and Vidame Erin Webb of Junopia.

However, infighting amongst the Dukes and Duchesses of Senioritisia has paralyzed the ambitions of the most senior branch of the House of Simpson. Dukes Keegan Carson, Tayler Acton, Nate Connealy, Ryan Stewart, and Connor Johnson and Duchesses Jess Schultes, Sammie Moenning, Emily Magers, Emily Manning, and Alex Stucky have, since yesterday night, been engaged in bloody, vicious combat.

“Tis a good day to die!” proclaimed Duke Johnson as he prepared his troops for battle against the forces of Duchess Schultes. “Today, we fight for honor, glory, and the pursuit of success at Simpson College!”

On other parts of the campus battlefield, Archduke Singleton of Sophstone led a successful siege of Barker Bastion and has pushed back the forces of Firstyearia to their final stronghold at Kresge Keep.

Additionally, Grand Duke McLain of Junopia, commanding a force of barbarians from the Outlands of Apartmentia, has surrounded a considerable portion of the Sophstone military in the Palace of Picken. Military analysts are describing the situation there as “Alamo-esqe.”

Casualty reports from these military maneuvers were unavailable at the time of printing. Yet, the longer that the Maple Throne remains unclaimed, the higher the expected casualties will be.

By Lionel Robertson

Tags: , , ,

Categories: News

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